As effortless or even empowering as being single can look from the outside, plenty of others struggle to embrace it at all. Preferring to be partnered up is deeply human. But what’s different is slipping into a constant loop of back-to-back relationships or situationships simply because being alone (or not having someone to talk to or flirt with) feels intolerable.
This is usually what people mean when they talk about a “serial monogamist” or “serial dater.” While there’s no “right” amount of days, weeks or months you’re supposed to wait to start dating again after a breakup, giving yourself even a little room to process things on your own is important, says Valeriya Bauer, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist. That distraction-free space helps you tune into your wants and needs, rebuild a sense of independence and actually reflect on what went wrong in your past relationships so you’re not carrying old baggage into the next. Without that pause, however, Bauer says it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns or hastily choose partners for the wrong reasons.
Understandably, “serial monogamist” isn’t a label most people are eager to claim—which is why, as Bauer points out, “some people who prefer to be in relationships nonstop may be hesitant to call themselves this due to its gravity.” But being honest with yourself—and why you feel so compelled to constantly swipe, text or chase—can be the first step toward breaking the cycle and learning how to be fulfilled on your own.
Here are the biggest red flags that you might be a “serial monogamist,” according to three relationship therapists.
1. You date to distract yourself
With serial dating, meeting new people becomes less about finding The One or even just having fun. Instead, it turns into an unhealthy escape, Bauer says—whether you’re avoiding post-breakup grief, work stress or friendship drama. If every stressful moment sends you back to the apps, or even to a “failed talking stage,” you’re likely using romance as a buffer, not a genuine choice.
2. You rush in—then get bored just as fast
At first, you love the excitement of someone new—the butterflies, the tension, the thrill of getting a cute stranger’s entire personality. But as soon as that early rush wears off, or things start getting serious, steady and predictable, a serial dater often loses interest.
“They tend to move fast because it gives them that high,” says Jennifer Teplin, founder and clinical director of Manhattan Wellness. The intensity of the initial stages can feel new, fun and distracting—especially compared to the vulnerability and often gritty emotional work required in a real relationship. So it’s common for serial monogamists to “come in hot,” Teplin says, almost in a love-bomby way. “They might even be a little intense,” rushing into a connection or making things ‘exclusive’ because they’re eager not to be alone for too long. But because they’re after that early buzz, the spark tends to fizzle quickly (and the cycle of serial dating starts all over again).
3. You’ve never had a moment without texting, chasing or dating someone
Not having anyone to message, flirt with or sleep next to isn’t just lonely for a serial monogamist—it almost feels unbearable. The quiet moments that most people can tolerate become abnormally anxiety-provoking or restless to the point where finding any person to fill that void becomes a top priority.
“It’s almost like your body goes into this ‘We need to do something’ mode,” says Leah Aguirre Barnes, San Diego–based therapist and co-owner at Cove Counseling Group. Or basically, you’re “feeling this innate desire to ‘fix’ uncomfortable singleness,” whether by building a roster of prospects just to talk to someone or jumping from one text thread to the next the moment your DMs are dry.
Another thing to keep in mind is that serial dating isn’t just about being in an official relationship. “I’ve heard many people justify it by using different terms,” Bauer says, ‘talking stage’, a ‘fling’, a ‘situationship’. “But if you’re even slightly pursuing someone in a way you wouldn’t with a platonic friend, you’re not spending time fully by yourself.”
4. You’re more stressed than excited
For serial monogamists, dating rarely feels fun in the traditional sense. When your main goal is to avoid being alone as quickly as possible, the experience is bound to leave you stressed.
“You’re going into dates with the mentality, ‘This has to work. It has to,’” Aguirre Barnes says. “You’re dating out of necessity versus desire.” By putting that much weight and urgency into a journey that’s supposed to add joy and connection to your life, the whole process starts to feel like a job of constant messaging, swiping, liking and scheduling.
5. You face the same old problems with every new person
Maybe your last relationship ended due to mismatched communication styles or lingering trust issues. When you haven’t taken any time to reflect on your past experiences or to work on yourself, it’s almost inevitable that the same unresolved problems will pop up in every new dynamic, according to Teplin.
So for the sake of your own well-being (as well as the other person’s), it’s important to get used to your own company—which can be especially difficult in a dating app culture that makes it easy to fill every lonely moment or during cuffing season when the pressure to couple up adds up. But starting small can help: Bauer suggests indulging in a few solo activities that have nothing to do with romance—going for Saturday morning runs, taking a cooking class with friends, scheduling a 1:1 lesson with a French tutor. And before diving into your next fling, take a moment to quickly check in with yourself: Are you genuinely interested in this person…or just drawn to the comfort of not being alone?
As a reminder, “we have to like ourselves to have a successful relationship,” Teplin says. “Because just as you want someone else to enjoy spending time with you, you also have to want to spend time with you”—a lesson that gets lost when you’re hopping from one person to the next.
This article first appeared on self.com
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