Falling in love can feel easy. Between the romance and the novelty of exploring a connection with a new partner, the relationship can feel effortless and untouched by reality. But what happens once real life sets in?
“He used to be so much more romantic.” “She’s not the same girl I married.”
These are sentiments we hear often, be it from people we know or the social chatter around us. How many times have you heard a newlywed couple being told to “enjoy this time”? That the honeymoon will fade, and that one day, not-so-far into the future, you won’t always be enamoured by your person. I’ve heard uncles, aunties and older cousins I love share these warnings that are coated in nostalgia, and the saddest part is it’s not meant to be discouraging—it’s seen as an inevitable reality.
The lover girl in me has always wondered why. We learn how to fall in love, but we don’t learn how to choose love in the quiet moments. What does love look like during a 70-hour work week? What does it feel like in the depths of postpartum depression? The flowers, jewellery and grand gestures are loud and easy to replicate. New love is performed. A seasoned love? That requires something much more intimate and intentional. Love changes over time because we change.
And matchmaker Hoda Abrahim says these changes take a toll on how we connect. “As you each grow and evolve, you change how you move in the world and what you see yourself becoming. Because you are two separate people in a relationship, you might go through that change individually and that can be really hard for the other person to relate to you or understand you. And they might not be supportive of those changes. You expect your partner to be the person that you married, when it comes to values or life goals, but that’s not always the case.” These changes can often lead to a lack of connection and broken down intimacy. You no longer feel like you fit in your person’s life, or the life you were building together.
Roh Hafez, marriage and life coach at The Hundred Wellness Centre Dubai, says that a challenge many couples face is losing passion because of comfort, routine and availability. “Intimacy often fades not because of dramatic betrayals, but because of small, unhealthy patterns over time. It can look like not really listening to your partner, assuming they should “just know” how you feel and what you want, or allowing resentment to quietly settle between you. The real relationship saboteur is emotional distance; the slow drift of two people who, over time, stop showing up for each other in everyday moments. Reigniting connection doesn’t mean recreating the honeymoon phase—it just comes down to recreating the curiosity of beginnings. Curiosity about the newer versions of each other. Asking questions you haven’t asked in years, letting your partner surprise you, or letting yourself be a little vulnerable again, opens a space for romance to grow, even in the midst of life’s responsibilities.”
Abrahim agrees. “I think if you are always in awe of your partner the way you are in the beginning, and if you always find reasons to want to know what they think, connect with them more and be inspired by them, that can help keep the spark alive. Stop assuming you know what they are going to say or do in a scenario because of how they’ve handled things in the past. Allow them the space to grow as a person, and let them know you’re curious about them and invested in who they are and who they want to be. Boredom is dangerous for so many reasons, and if you get bored with your partner and feel like they aren’t bringing anything new or exciting to the table, it can be consequential.”
You don’t need a handbook to learn how to fall in love. That’s easy. Staying in love is where you make the choice.
On your next date night, take the time to actually talk to your partner. Not about work, household chores or the kids, talk about who they are, what they aspire to and who they’re becoming alongside you. It might feel awkward at first, changing your routine often does, but those nerves or discomfort are not necessarily a bad thing.
This article first appeared on Voguearabia.com
Also read:
Can you ever make someone fall in love with you?
Girls, stop falling in love with the “idea” of a man
How to fall in love again after getting out of a traumatic relationship
